I am really a ball of anger and frustration and guilt right now. I talked to my Dad this afternoon to find out that my Mom is back in the hospital. Apparently her new wheelchair has created pressure sores on her back, one of which turned necrotic and will need to be debrided. She was admitted on Friday and has been held at the emergency ward all weekend, probably because they don’t have the staff on the weekend to admit her to a general ward. She will probably only be in the hospital for a week, but I feel awful about this.
I am worried for Mom’s state of mind – she at one time stated to me that when she lost her leg her greatest fear was dying a piece at a time. Towards the end of her hospital stay she developed a pressure sore on her stump and both her and Dad were paniced about the possibility of it turning necrotic. I also feel a very familiar guilt that I have been feeling ever since Mom went into the hospital – that if I were living in Toronto I would be able to be a significant force in Mom and Dad’s life and make their lives easier. I feel like they gave everything raising me to be the person that I am, and now that they need help I am unable to, or afraid of, giving equally. I don’t want to confront the reality of their situation head-on; I’d much rather just band-aid the situation and go back to enjoying my own life instead of worrying about theirs. Meredith tells me that I am doing what I can but I feel like I am too self-centered and could be doing a lot more.
I remember when my Mom was a little older than me and my grandmother was in nursing care my Mom would call my grandmother every day, take her to all her doctor’s appointments, and basically ensure that she got the best possible care in her life. Is that because my grandmother didn’t have her husband (my grandfather) to look after her? Was it because at that point my mom and dad had been married for quite some time and were focused more on the day-to-day of living their lives instead of doing the entertainment type of stuff that Meredith and I are doing now because we are newlyweds? I contrast that with my Dad’s Dad, who basically lived alone and my Dad called him maybe once a month and my grandfather was on his own pretty much right up until the end of his life.
I am also struggling with what I can do. Part of me wants to sweep in and wave a magic wand and “fix” everything, but I don’t have the money or time to do that. I also am trying to be conscious of my Mom and Dad being adults and the fact that they don’t need their kid bossing them around. I feel as well that my parents want me to live my own life and not worry about them, probably because were roles reversed that’s the way I would feel. Part of me as well is lazy and wants to bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away (for the better) without any intervention from me. Most of all I am just sitting here on a Sunday night with the wheels spinning in my head when in reality there isn’t anything I can do right now anyway.
There are some direct actions I should probably take. I need to figure out some way I can help Mom and Dad out without trying to swoop in on them. I am wondering if some private nursing/care organization is necessary because Dad seems frustrated with the care that the hospital has provided up this point. In the back of my mind I have the work that I feel needs to get done around their house too. I think that I need to see about getting some kind of counseling as well, because I feel like my emotions around living in the United States and being far away from my parents are clouding my ability to make correct decisions about what is appropriate to do in this situation.
It’s at times like this when I feel at a complete loss that I am envious of people who seem to be able to roll with whatever life throws at them, and who have planned things out so that if they need to spend a significant amount of money, or take a significant amount of time off work, that they are able to do so at the drop of a hat.
I really wish I could be as good to my parents as they have been to me.
